taking a break


Sometimes I think I am a crazy person. I mean, my head just never stops. And it has really gotten worse over the years, especially since the birth of Lola and Hudson. I am constantly, constantly, thinking of what needs to get done, where we need to be, what I can do better, and what in the hell am I doing?!

Every morning I make a to-do list. This helps me stay organized. Or does it? It use to be a guide or a reminder of a few things that needed to be accomplished for the day. Whether that is for work, house chores, kids activities, bills, or meals. But now this list. This crazy list, is getting out of control. Last week, Lola was at school, Jake was at work and Hudson and I were at home starting our day. As every morning goes, I make a cup of coffee (my first one is gone within 3 minutes), sit down and create my to-do list for the day and week. As I was sitting there, now drinking my second cup of coffee, with Hudson tugging at my leg, I realized I just wrote down my 42 task on the list...for the day! That was it, I hit the crazy point. I stopped. Put the pen down, grabbed our sweaters and shoes and went outside.

The morning was cool, you could tell Fall is coming. And it was perfect. Bob and Pumpkin joined us of course. Hudson loved chasing the animals, throwing sticks for Bob and picking up every big rock he could find. Watching his little face light up every time he showed me his next big find, was just what I needed. It's amazing how kids can do that. They don't need fancy toys, all they want is your time. So that is what we did, we walked and talked hand in hand. And it was the best morning I have had in a long time.

I would like to say that I am that person who can just stop what she is doing and go have some fun. But that is hard for me and even harder on my kids. How is it that everyday I plan to go do some fun activity, even if it is only for 15 minutes, but everything else comes before it. Next thing I know, I'm putting the kids down for bed, promising them we will do it tomorrow. That makes me sad to type that, but its the honest truth. And it is the biggest thing I want to change. Not just for them, but for myself. Because I so badly need to.

So this is my plan. It's not a big plan, but its a start. I still wake up and chug my first cup of coffee. Sit down with my second and make the list, the catch is, I can only put 5 things down for the day. My top 5. The first couple days it was hard. It stretched out to the top 13, then the top 9, but I'm getting there.

Ashley MartiHudson, kids, motherhood